why dont you just kill me

Man I just can't shake this huge depression Im in. I sometimes wish my life took a different course, that I made different choices and that I was one of those people that the universe always seemed to be in their favor. Lately it seems nothing has gone in my favor. I am trying my best to do the right thing yet the universe keeps laughing in my face..

What is it about me, seriously I really am confused as to why no one is interested in me. I wish life came with a manual because I really am a clueless loser. Maybe it has to do with my idea of a good time is sitting around watching movies or playing video games, laying in bed talking instead of going out and getting smashed and treating women like garbage. I've never been that guy who treats girls like shit yet they are always getting the best looking women. The relationships I do manage to have I always (seriously always) fuck up inadvertenly because I'm a junkie or I get too comfortable. It depresses me when I think about what I could of had. I have no idea where I am going with..my therapist told me I should start writing my thoughts and feelings down, if you were expecting more sorry for wasting your time.

written Thursday, May 24, 2007

i dont like the drugs but the drugs like me

so ya, im sitting here stuck in a mess of shit that i have created. im lost dont know wtf to do but i do at the same time...no support.hate u all but most of all i hate myself..bleh anyways its BACK 2 REHAB (again x3) SEE YA IN 30! fuckers.

written Thursday, May 31, 2007

my excursion to florida

You know, loss of employment isn't such a bad thing after all..sure I was depressed for the first couple of days but with a new sense of freedom I've decided to head out east in search of greener pastures (is that even the right saying for this?) Anyways, I left California last week and currently staying in Ft Lauderdale..Florida is an interesting state..completely ass backwards to me really..If your'e wondering why the fuck I decided on Florida I really don't have a good explanation for that..but I hooked up with my cousin and a few friends I had met when I was living in Arizona and they are showing me around. I went to Miami and it is absolutely stunning, the Atlantic ocean is soooo much nicer than the Pacific.

I got into a heated arguement with my family and have not spoken to them for almost a week..I'm still getting the courage to tell them I hopped on a plane with the clothes on my back, a duffel bag with a few clothes and 500$ to my name. They also decided to shut off my cell phone that I've had for a decade (which really burns my balls) but c'est la vie..I picked up a cheapy Metro phone before I left and the number is (408) 856-7108..unfortunately I don't have the charger so it is dead until I get them to send my shit. I plan on comming home tomorrow for a few weeks to tie up some court issues and take care of my car, then if all goes well I plan on driving back across country. I just feel like I need a change of scenery and hopefully I am making the right decision. Take care and God Bless.

written Thursday, June 07, 2007

I think i'm certifiable. I keep doing the same shit expecting different results..but they are always the same or even worse. I hate that the mess I have gotten myself into..at least I'm off heroin for the time being. Don't get me wrong, I'm the biggest dope fiend around but waking up without having to take nothing to get out of bed is fucking priceless. I don't know where Im going with this I just feel like I'm in a weird spot right now, needed to let some of this shit out.

out of reach serenity

.(this is the finished copy of a blog i started to write back in North Carolina on day 3 of my cold turkey detox)..

I really, really searched my soul today to ask myself, "Why do I keep
doing this"? Right when it seems like I have things turned around for
the better, I find myself making the worst decisions about drugs and
ending up right back where I started--unemployed, depressed, with the small amount of pride I started to build back up destroyed. I was high, I should have been feeling great, on top of the world, but all that lying and wasted time and physical harm, and I found myself feeling the worst I've ever felt. A depression takes over, and I'm at a complete loss--I just feel helpless.

I know now, it's time. I need to quit abusing drugs, any and all, and
stop sabotaging myself. You ever start to feel like you won't let
yourself succeed because on some level you don't deserve it? Maybe I'm being overly psychological, and I think I am, but there is just something inside of me that cannot say "no," even when I know for a fact it's a really, really bad idea. I think that's why we're labeled as
weak-willed, but it's not a matter of will power, at least I don't
think. Or maybe not *just* willpower...there's something else there,
some compulsion, no not even that, that's too psychiatric....it's like a
propulsion. It's like there's propellers with a full tank, and big
beautiful wings, but the aircraft can't withstand the altitude but it
refuses to stay grounded. Thus, "Steve" flies away, too close to the
sun, despite his loved-ones warnings, and eventual pleadings...

i secretly wish i was a dog

my dog does 3 things in no particular order.
eat,shit/piss,sleep

if that was the extent of my life i would be a happy man.......really

im delrious from sickness that the normal person can't even begin to comprehend...

its called "cotton fever" google it.....

back on the "mud" -- i guess im resigned to the fact that this is life and im destined to always fail.

theres so many lame contridictions about being a "junky" like oh i wont muscle that..or oh i wont stick a spike in my jugular....fuck if u told me dog shit got me high id probably stick it in my body...im so fucking sick of the scum that judge.

i was looking at my last blog that was written during a dark and particularly hellish time (i was homeless--then for some reason decided to go to NC... new hell unto-itself) and i started to shed a tear...cause at least i was "clean" then and it made sense,,this is just some cluster fuck of emotions / ideas im feeling.

you know, a pistol really doesn't taste that bad.

the junkie limbo.

In the end this is a human dilemma. Opiates just make it more *real.*





Existence is kind of pointless.



And staring at the void



doesn't make it any easier.





I mean when you realize that it's all just a house of cards,

and a house that you actually have to build yourself.





It's a real existential problem, knowing that you kind of have to fool yourself

to find meaning and happiness...

and it probably doesn't matter anyway





I mean Mark Renton ''chose life'' but he forgot to mention why.





Sometimes I am thankful for the people I hate,

because a least for the time being I have a real purpose

to defend myself and destroy my enemy.





But once you have some time to start *thinking* about things...



Because no matter what, when you are on it

you have a purpose and a meaning.

Or at least it sure seems that way.